You Are Invited…
Hard things are easier to do together. So, together we’ll push through procrastination to get our choices, paperwork and communication in order, leaving a clear road map for your family and friends. When the time of your dying arrives, they can be confident about handling your will, relieved to do what you want, and you can surrender to the great mystery.
You may not be able to control when or why you die, but you can control much of the how you die, with choices you make and plan for ahead of time. Most importantly, how do you want to be treated if you’re dealing with a terminal illness or dying? Do you want every medical procedure possible or simply to be kept comfortable with palliative care, perhaps at home? Or likely, a little of both?
Have you chosen and spoken to a friend or family member about being your Health Advocate, who can speak for you medically if you are unable? Is it written down? Half of Americans don’t have a current will. Their children or siblings suffer through hard choices, when they are least prepared. Even if you don’t own a home, who gets your dog? There is a lot more to consider than simply who gets your stuff.
Is a church or traditional funeral important, or would you prefer a green burial or maybe a gathering round a fire to tell tall tales? Donations to a favorite cause are a nice honorarium. What is the legacy you leave behind? What is the story of your life? Those stories are the fabric of a life remembered, shared at a ceremony.
Dying To Talk will share resources, books, speakers, rituals, music and personal wisdom related to creating a graceful goodbye. It is an interactive process. We will be using A Beginner’s Guide to the End: Practical advice for Living Life and Facing Death, by BJ Miller, MD/hospice director and Shoshana Berger. It’s an invaluable book with a surprisingly light touch. We will also introduce the 5 Wishes, a legal document that covers Advance Directive, Power of Attorney (Health Advocate) as well as emotional and spiritual aspects of living and dying to be respected.
Charting some of this frees you to live fully in the now — without concerns about “what if …” — and when “what if” occurs, this preparation provides a lifeline for your loved ones to find their way in the darkness of your absence.
It is your final gift.
“Apprentice yourself to the curve of your own disappearance”
― David Whyte
Who We Are:
Dulanie Ellis-La Barre
Dulanie is a Certified Funeral Celebrant, trained also in Death Midwifery and Conscious Dying. Dulanie is a full-mesa carrier in the Qero/Inka tradition, accustomed to creating ceremony.
Previously a documentary filmmaker, she is adept at organizing information, sharing resources and telling stories to change lives.
Who We Are Not:
We are not therapists, medical practitioners, legal advisors, spiritual counselors or professional agents.
Resources
BOOKS:
A Beginner’s Guide to the End, Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death, by BJ Miller, MD (hospice & palliative care specialist) and writer/editor, Shoshana Berger. It’s an invaluable guide for every human, with a surprisingly lighthearted yet pragmatic approach. It’s well-organized and covers everything from practical advice through how to face our fears and engage with loved ones.
Die Wise: A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul, by Stephen Jenkinson (Audible, Paperback, Kindle) I recommend you listen, as Stephen is the reader, and it’s more of an intimate, philosophical conversation. Dying well, Jenkinson writes, is a right and responsibility of everyone. It is not a lifestyle option. It is a moral, political, and spiritual obligation all people owe their ancestors and their heirs.
The Five Invitations, Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully, by Frank Ostaseski (founder of Zen Hospice Project) What matters most in your life? How to prepare for a death without regret by living an authentic and meaningful life. I found a lot of wisdom in this book, which I marked up throughout, to easily find passages again.
Still Here: Embracing Aging, Changing and Dying, by Ram Dass (Audible) Also in paperback at Bookshop.org. After a catastrophic stroke in 1997, Ram Dass spent 2 years rebuilding his capacities of speech and movement. In Still Here, Ram Dass brings his signature humor, understanding and reassurance for those of us facing the final season of life.
For You When I Am Gone, by Rabbi Steve Leder. Writing an ethical will, a meaningful letter about your life, is an ancient tradition. Rabbi Leder makes a dozen suggestions of things you can write about your life. What other family stories and values do you hold and hope for those who come after you?
The Book of Ceremony, by Sandra Ingerman. Use the elements of ceremony to guide you to confidently prepare, plan and execute rituals and ceremonies for all circumstances. Ceremony brings the sacred into ordinary life. Ceremony is as ancient as our first people, witnessing birth and death.
POEMS:
On Death – Kahlil Gibran
Absolutely Clear – Hafiz
Afterglow – Anonymous
Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep – Anonymous
Fear – Khalil Gibran
To Come Home to Yourself – John O’Donohue
When I Die – Merritt Malloy
The Unfinished – Anonymous
The Ship – Charles Henry Brent
FILMS:
“Griefwalker”, a feature documentary with Stephen Jenkinson, a Harvard-trained theologian, Canadian farmer and former leader in palliative care at Toronto’s Mount Sinai Hospital, who has learned volumes at the deathbed of over 1,000 people. An unforgettable exploration of death phobia as a culture.
“Harold & Maude” (1971, YouTube), dark humor comedy-drama about a young man intrigued with death and a very old woman who teaches him how to live.
“Alternate Endings: Six New Ways To Die In America”. (IMDB) HBO Documentary. An exploration of the changing attitudes in the United States surrounding death, including the ways it is recognized today and how families are approaching green burials, death with dignity and a variety of options.
MUSIC:
“Namaste” – various artists
Graceful Passages – A Companion for Living and Dying, by Gary Malkin. This 2-CD set speaks to the dying and to the living. One CD has the voices of leaders in many spiritual traditions over music, the other is simply the music. Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Native American, Anglican, Buddhist and other traditional speakers, all speaking about the journey back home to Source.
MISC:
Five Wishes.org: The nation’s first living will (advance directive) that includes your personal, emotional and spiritual needs, as well as your medical needs, all in one document. It is legally binding in most states. It lets you choose the person you want to make healthcare decisions for you if you are unable, how you want to be treated and any special wishes about your care and treatment.
California State Guidelines for Assisted Suicide: https://www.uclahealth.org/patient-resources/support-information/advance-directive/introduction-california-end-life-option-act
For composting the body: www.withpisces.com, (310) 861-4505
Funeral Help Center: information and resources to help you cope with dying, death, funerals and grief.
https://www.funeralhelpcenter.com/what-is-promession-and-how-does-it-work
PODCASTS:
“How To Listen”: https://www.kcrw.com/culture/shows/life-examined/friendship-relationship-primates-science-listening-communication
“To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.””